Let’s not kid ourselves: you’ve had it circled in your calendar, too – a big green ring around June 3. Most of the world merely knows this date as ‘June 3’; a smaller subset of that knows it as ‘World Bicycle Day’. But the real ones know what’s really going on: this is the day that the Neutral and Democratic (😉) Central Asian nation of Turkmenistan holds authoritarian nation-wide bicycle parades, plays them on the nightly news, and then uploads them to YouTube.
But why do we, here at Escape Collective, observe this very important holiday? A short question; a long answer.
In (very) brief, this all dates back to 2018, when Turkmenistan sponsored a UN resolution declaring June 3 as World Bicycle Day. To be clear, this wasn’t Turkmenistan's idea: a very nice Polish-American social science academic called Leszek Sibilski had developed a grassroots campaign with his students, and then Turkmenistan put its stamp on it. World Bicycle Day was born. Good stuff! Great, even! Pity about the widespread human rights abuses in Turkmenistan, and the wildly eccentric dictator in charge!
Fast forward a couple of years to 2020, when cycling’s governing body (the UCI) jumped on a conference call with Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov (the dictator). I say ‘the UCI’, but if I'm pointing fingers what I really mean is UCI president David Lappartient and Igor Makarov, the latter being a UCI management committee member who A) was a big player in Russian cycling (although he now identifies as ‘Cypriot’), B) has been sanctioned in several countries since the invasion of Ukraine, and C) coincidentally held a number of lucrative contracts in Turkmenistan. Their order of business: to give the UCI’s “highest distinction”, a mysterious award called the UCI Order, to Berdimuhamedov.
They also say that Makarov and his companies no longer have any interests in Turkmenistan, suspending operations in 2022 and formally exiting the country in 2025. That was not the case in 2020, the period of time to which we were referring in past tense, when Makarov was appointed an 'energy expert' adviser to the Turkmen government. A 2021 Turkmen government press release said that Berdimuhamedov personally "recommended ARETI Group [Makarov's company], with which Turkmenistan works close [sic] for more than 25 years in different projects."
Unfortunately for the UCI, this did not go unnoticed, prompting a steadily escalating backlash. Because not only had they given a fancy award to a dictator, but a couple of years earlier they’d also awarded the 2021 Track World Championships to Turkmenistan's capital city, Ashgabat. Ashgabat has a velodrome, you might ask? But of course it does: in the multi-billion-dollar ‘Olympic Village' development for which Makarov’s company was angling for some of the construction contracts.
The Track Worlds were eventually moved away from Turkmenistan due to ‘COVID’ and definitely not because everybody was suddenly asking why the UCI was propping up a country that perpetrates North Korea-level oppression of minorities, media, and political opposition.
And then the cherry on top: Lappartient admitted in mid-2023 – after years of denials and media statements to the contrary – that the UCI Order he gave to a nation’s leader was actually just some piece of old tat they found in a cupboard somewhere. And I quote: “I gave [Berdimuhamedov] a medal. I told him it was the highest honour, but it wasn’t … it is a medal that we had, that we had engraved on the back, which is worth perhaps 50 euros.” Which, I should stress, is a very cool, very normal thing to do with an unstable dictator.
Anyway: Turkmenistan loves World Bicycle Day. We love Turkmenistan (the vibe, not the reality). And every year, it’s a chance to check in with our friends on the steppe: to see what choreography choices have been made, to gaze with wonder at their gaudy statues, to see if the now-retired Gurbanguly pops up and drops a rap routine, and – most elusive of all – to see if the new dictator (his profoundly dour son, Serdar) cracks a smile for once in his damn life.
Happy Turkmen Bicycle Parade Day to all those that celebrate! Let's tune into the nightly news and check out what the Turkmen and women are up to!
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